Who I Am Today
by Misha
Summary: Stephanie reflects on the woman she used to be and the woman she's since become. Cupcake, little bit of Babe angst.


Who I Am Today  
By Misha

Disclaimer- I don't own Stephanie Plum or any of the other characters (though I wish I owned Ranger). They belong to the incredibly talented Janet Evanovich and I'm just borrowing them. I'm not making any money off this, so please don't sue me.

Author's Notes- I wrote this as a response to my beta's random challenges. She comes up with random combinations and I use them. For this one it had to be a Cupcake fic and I had to use a memento of some kind, orchids, the colour yellow, and a character death and this is what I came up with. It is a Cupcake fic, but with Babe elements. I swear I'm unable to write a Cupcake fic, without making it a little Babe-ish, but I tried to keep this a Cupcake. I hope I succeeded. Anyway enjoy and remember that feedback is always appreciated!

Pairing- Morelli/Stephanie, minor Ranger/Stephanie.

Summery- Stephanie reflects on the woman she used to be and the woman she's since become.

Spoilers- Minor ones for all the books, I guess.

Rating- PG-13

* * *

It's funny how the littlest things can trigger memories. I was cleaning my house this morning (still not my favourite thing to do) and once glimpse of the little fake Eiffel Tower that Joe gave me the day he proposed had me tumbling backwards, fifteen years.

Now I'm Stephanie Morelli, full-time wife and mother of four, but back then... Back then I was Stephanie Plum, the bombshell bounty hunter. I wasn't particularly good at my job, but I wasn't terrible either. I nearly always caught my man, even if I had to end up covered in garbage to do so.

Joe Morelli and I'd been together on and off for about three years when he proposed. Well, he'd proposed before, but I'm talking about _the_ proposal, the one that had me saying yes and sealing my destiny.

Before that day, I'd always be torn between two men, unwilling to commit to Morelli or to take a chance on Carlos Manoso, street name Ranger. Both men had a piece of my heart and I was never really able to choose between them, so we stayed in a permanent holding pattern.

Then the choice was taken from me.

Fifteen months before Joe proposed, Ranger failed to return from a mission. Well, he returned, but in a coffin.

God, I didn't know what pain felt like until then. As much as I love Joe, a part of me will always love Ranger and his death... It tore me apart.

Joe was a rock. He had to have known that my feelings for Ranger were more than friendship, but he never let on. He just held me and let me cry and gave me time. I'd always loved him, but I loved even more for his patience and his compassion, for the way he let me grieve Ranger without saying a word, though it must have hurt him to have to face the fact that I'd loved Ranger.

I'm not saying I chose Joe because Ranger died. I wouldn't have married Joe if I hadn't truly loved him, but I'd loved Ranger too. I spent a long time, not sure which man I loved more, which one was the love of my life.

Honestly, I'm still not entirely sure.

Oh, I guess I have to Joe because he's my husband, the father of my children and I've had a lifetime of loving him, but would that lifetime have happened if Ranger hadn't died? Or would it have been Ranger I spent the last fifteen years with? I honestly can't answer that, because I don't know.

Just like I can't really answer which one I loved more. How do you compare the love that lasted with the love that never really had a chance to bloom? Joe and I've had a lifetime together, Ranger and I only had a short time.

I think it's natural that my memories of Ranger are a little sweeter, a little more rose-coloured. He's the one that I loved and lost and he will always have a very special place in my heart.

But so does Joe. Joe, my husband, my friend, my confidante, the man who got me through those horrible months after Ranger died. He held me when I cried, comforted me through the nightmares and even gave me space when I needed it.

I left Trenton for a couple of months, to find myself, which I know was hard on Joe.

Ranger... He'd left me financially secure, so I finally had the freedom to travel, to not have to work and worry about having a roof over my head. I was amazed when Ranger's will had been read and I'd found out how well he'd provided for me, though I shouldn't have been. Ranger had spent all of our relationship taking care of me and providing me with whatever I needed from him, why should his behaviour be any different in death?

Joe wasn't happy when I left, but I think he understood that I needed time to grieve. I know it was hard on him, being confronted with the reality of my feelings for Ranger, but it wasn't like he could protest, after all it would seem pretty petty for him to be jealous of a dead man.

In time though, he came to understand that just because I'd loved Ranger, it didn't mean I loved him, Joe, any less, just in a different way. My relationship was Joe was actually stronger after I returned to Trenton.

Losing Ranger had taught me that life was short and that I didn't want to waste it. I'd lost one man that I loved, I couldn't bear the idea of losing the other.

When Joe asked me to marry him and handed me that silly fake Eiffel Tower, promising to take me to Paris for our honeymoon, I said yes right away.

I wanted a lifetime with Joe. Oh, I still had regrets and the night before my wedding, I took a drive to Newark and Ranger's grave and laid flowers, Orchids, same as my bridal bouquet and tied with the same yellow ribbon, on it and had a heart to heart talk with the stone and Ranger's memory.

I let Ranger go that night, even though by that point he'd been dead almost two years, I'd still carried him with me and I always would, but... Time passed and life had moved on and I knew Ranger would want me to be happy without him and that made it easier. I'd never not grieve for him, but... I had to go on with my life.

I don't regret marrying Joe or the way my life turned out after all. I mean, I regret that Ranger died so young and that we never got a chance to explore what there was between us, but...

I can't regret that I ended up with Joe. He's a great man, a wonderful father and a terrific husband and I know that I'm an incredibly lucky woman. Fourteen years of marriage and I still adore my husband, still feel tingly when I look at him.

Oh, every once in a while, I allow myself to have a moment to think about Ranger and to wonder what might have been, but... That was a long time ago and I was a different person.

That's the biggest factor in all this. Fifteen years ago, my life was in a different place and I was a different person. It's not a bad thing and I like who I used to be.

Stephanie Plum was an interesting person, but... I'm not her and I like Stephanie Morelli even better. My life has had it's ups and downs, its joys and its tragedies, but in the end... I wouldn't change a thing.

I firmly believe that everything happened the way it was meant to. I got my happy ending. It wasn't a perfectly tidy happy ending, but then in my life nothing every works out perfectly. It was a little messy, a little raw, but... I ended up marrying a wonderful man who I love deeply and having a great life with him, so I consider myself pretty lucky.

I'm not who I used to be, but that's okay, because I like who I am today even more.

The End


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